


Think Too Much, Feel Too Little

by cuddlewithacorpse



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Ben is Depressed, Bruises, Chatting & Messaging, Crying During Sex, Drunk Texting, Everyone Is Gay, First Time, Forensics, Hux is a Creep, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, Kylo Ren is Ben's Internet Handle, Light Masochism, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Gore & Murder, Overstimulation, Recreational Drug Use, Rey Skywalker, Sexting, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk of Serial Killers, Virgin Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-04 12:53:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6658675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddlewithacorpse/pseuds/cuddlewithacorpse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo is finally independent (or as independent as you can be when your parents pay your rent and your mom texts you ten times a day), but his brain is still trying to sabotage him at every turn. Things change when he meets Hux, a Forensic Science major who is more than happy to give Ben the attention and validation he craves, even if his compliments seem incredibly creepy to most people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 17 Coked Up & Speeding

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first multi-chapter fic I've ever posted, so be gentle with me and my self-indulgent nonsense.
> 
> Thank you to [amazonrhinos](http://www.amazonrhinos.tumblr.com) for being a fantastic beta and wall to bounce things off of.
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr: [[x]](http://www.kylos-ears.tumblr.com)

“Alright, kid, this is the last of them.” Han announced, dropping the last of the sloppily taped boxes onto the pile just inside the door. Ben stood inside the apartment, taking it in. For the first time in his life he was actually going to be on his own, even if his parents were paying his bills and he was basically required to call his mom once a week, it was a freedom he’d never had before. Convincing them that he was in fact stable enough to be allowed on his own had been a feat of its own, surviving would be nothing after that. 

“Thanks, Hanㅡdad.” Ben corrected himself awkwardly as his mother huffed her way through the door, a laundry basket of Ben’s stray possessions perched on her hip. She set the basket down and pulled Ben into a hug, he was over a foot taller than her, and never felt larger than when he was wrapped in his mother’s arms. “This is such a big step for you, Ben,” she whispered to him, her arms around his neck, “I’m so proud of you.” Ben cleared his throat, he wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He patted his mother’s back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture before pulling back. Leia stepped back, leaning into her husband, grasping his hand and looking up at him with worried eyes. Ben watched the exchange uncomfortably, in addition to being rather uninterested in physical affection himself, he quite disliked seeing others engage in it.

“Alright, I should, uh, probably get started unpacking.” He said uncertainly, hoping his parents would get the hint that he wanted desperately to be alone. The entire day had been exhausting so far, both physically and mentally, and he wanted nothing more than to spread out on the floor with his laptop and a cup of chai. “Of course.” Leia answered, once again stepping towards him but this time, thankfully, only taking his hands in hers, “Call if you need anything, hell, call if you don’t need anything, okay? I want to know you’re okay. And make sure you go grocery shopping, I can come by and drive you if you want, we’ll go to lunch and make a day of it. And please make sure you get your wi-fi set up because I told Rey she could Skype you later this week, and you know how she gets when she’s let down..” Ben nodded, though he only got half of the overwhelming amount of information his mother had dumped on him. “Don’t do anything stupid, alright, kid?” His father said from the door, already half outside, like he couldn’t wait to get away from his son. Ben didn’t mind, he felt quite the same way about the man, the fact that the excessive amount of time they’d spent together that day hadn’t erupted into shouting or violence was a feat in and of itself.

Leia gave his hands one last gentle squeeze before turning and following her husband out the door. Ben closed and bolted the door behind them, letting out a shaky breath. His heart was beginning to slow, but his hands were still damp and shaking. Being around people, regardless of their contribution to his conception, for too long always set him on edge. Anxiety and an edge of uncalled for anger sat heavily in the pit of his stomach. He breathed for a moment, back against the door, before looking down at the boxes stacked next to him. He’d taken the time to label each one carefully, his own bold, tall scribe stared back at him. He looked away from them, steadying himself fully before making his mental progress report. He tried to keep a strong hold on his mind, to avoid that uncomfortable floaty feeling that came with disassociation and also avoid becoming overwhelmed and panicking or lashing out.

The mental report was a trick he’d mostly created himself, though the basis had come from his short-lived stint in therapy. His therapist had encouraged him to “feel his emotions” which he had no real interest in doing, but she had also tried to explain to him that there was a healthy mid point between feeling nothing and feeling everything. He’d yet to find this healthy mid point, and mostly hovered on the feeling nothing side (as long as he didn’t count anxiety or emptiness). He thought for a moment, actually allowing himself to dwell on some of the events of the day before stating quietly to himself, “Progress Report: Nothing is wrong, I am not overwhelmed, I can do this on my own.” He lied to himself a bit, which some part of him felt defeated the purpose of the progress report, but it came out of his mouth so easily that he figured he could let it slide, just the once.

He dropped to the floor after a few moments, half crawling to the center of the room and yanking the first box into his lap. He had labelled it **ESSENTIALS** , inside was his laptop and all its assorted paraphernalia, his phone charger and headphones, a chipped ceramic mug that read _Dad knows a lot, but Grandpa knows everything!_ , a moleskine, and a small glass pipe. He pulled his computer out and powered it on, setting it in the center of the living room floor before standing up to rifle through the box labelled **KITCHEN**. He dug around for a moment before pulling out his kettle. His mother had bought it for him a month before he was due to leave, insisting that it would be so much easier than always heating his tea in the microwave. He’d shoved it to the back of his closet, sure he’d never have use for it, until he started packing and planning and realized he didn’t really have any other options. It was annoying how often his mother was right.

In the kitchen he fiddled with the taps for a couple seconds, they were shaped differently than the ones at homeㅡhis parents house, he corrected his thinking, he was home. After setting the kettle on the stove (which was also quite different than the one at his parents house) he reentered the living room, dropping once again to the floor and pulling his computer to rest on the edge of his crossed knees. He pulled up his blog and reopened the articles he had been reading the previous night, before clicking open his instant messenger. A little **5** sat next to the only chat he had, he clicked it open and quickly scrolled through the messages, he, thankfully, hadn’t missed anything too important. 

The chat contained the people who Ben considered his closest friends, 6 people he’d never met in person and admittedly knew very little concrete information about. He knew quite a bit about them mentally though, it sometimes felt as though they understood the inner workings of his brain even better than he did himself. The thought of most people knowing him that way brought a mixed bag of fear, anger, and annoyance, yet he was somehow comforted in thinking that they could understand him.

>   
>  _**Kylo** is online_  
>  **Kylo** : finally alone  
>  **Aries** : how is it? lonely?  
>  **Cen** : how did it go w/ ur mom & dad?  
>  **Kylo** : not lonely, relaxing  
>  **Kylo** : mom was fine, a bit overbearing  
>  **Jax** : BORING  
>  **Kai** : Shut up, Jax, Kylo is in a difficult place right now.  
>  **Kylo** : it’s not difficult!  
>  **Rek** : lmao, stp tryn 2 b his dad kai  
>  **Sola** : somebody has to  
>  **Cen** : kylo, how is the new place?  
>  **Jax** : GAME SYSTEM SET UP YET?  
>  **Kylo** : not yet  
>  **Kylo** : new place is good, small and dark  
>  **Rek** : jst how u lik it rite, u emo fuck? lol  
>  **Aries** : i have to go, text me later kylo  
>  _**Aries** is offline_  
> 

The messenger pinged several times a second for the next few minutes as Ben brought his friends up to date on his move, he’d spoken to them that morning yet it felt like they had days worth of events to speak on. The kettle whistled from the next room and he tore himself from the screen with great effort to brew his tea. When he sat back down at his computer there were four entire screens of chat to scroll through. His phone buzzed then, as he read Jax’s enthusiastic retelling of his latest Death Star campaign. He had three texts from his mother, one of which was actually from Rey, the lack of emojis were the telltale sign that his cousin had commandeered his mother’s phone, he also had a text from Aries and one from Poe (why the stupid asshole who worked with his dad was texting him he didn’t know, probably to gloat about how much more Han and Leia loved him). He scrolled through them all and responded with monosyllabic answers to his mother and Rey, ignored Poe, and typed out his previous progress report to Aries. 

The chat died out around one in the morning, until it was only he and Rek firing back and forth links to the weirdest youtube videos they could find.

>   
>  **Rek** : tbh idk wtf ths guy was evn tryn 2 do??  
>  **Kylo** : kill himself, i suppose  
>  **Rek** : EZer wys 2 do tht, dude  
>  **Kylo** : i know.  
>  **Rek** : actlly, no, tht shit is v hrd!!  
>  **Kylo** : don’t worry, i’m not that far gone yet  
>  **Rek** : u bttr fckn not b, im delitful company  
>  **Kylo** : of course, who would kill themselves when rek the great is around!  
>  **Rek the Great** : thts the best thng ive evr ben caled  
>  **Kylo** : don’t let it go to your head  
>  **Rek the Greatest** : of cors not, cry-lo  
>  **Kylo** : don’t call me that, asshole  
>  **Rek the Greatest** : m bad, chk ths 1 out  
> 

Rek sent a video of a man smashing various toys with a hydraulic press, which if Ben was being honest was actually more interesting than it was weird. Rek’s comment about suicide made Ben feel a little guilty that his friends had to tiptoe around him, it wasn’t like just the mention of suicide was going to push him to it. Another part of him was thankful, though, that people existed in the world that cared enough about him to avoid things that might hurt him, he’d never even had anyone in his family make that kind of consideration for his wellbeing. 

Rek signed off after a few more videos and Ben found himself truly and fully alone. He found he was considerably less anxious than he thought he would be, which was a relief. He scrolled through a few blogs and articles, before realizing it was after four in the morning. He’d made no progress unpacking and had planned to go on a job hunt in the morning, though that seemed unlikely in his current situation. He ended up rolling out one of his comforters on the living room and curling under the other, his head pillowed on his arms as he lie on his stomach, the idea of dragging his mattress into the bedroom and struggling with sheets was much too tiring to bother with. He poked his earbuds in and thankfully fell asleep quickly, the bone deep exhaustion of the day finally setting in.


	2. Local Man Ruins Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux appears in this chapter, yay. Also Rey, and mentions of Poe and Anakin. 
> 
> Also, most of Rey's dialogue is stolen from my eight year old nephew, y'know, for the sake of realism.

Ben knew the day was going to be a struggle when he woke up with unsubstantiated dread already in the pit of his stomach. The fact that he could recognize the feeling’s lack of logical basis did little to dispel it and he dragged himself from bed with a substantial struggle. He dug through the **KITCHEN** box for a few moments, retrieving a box of granola bars from which he picked the last two chocolate chip, before going to click on the stove to reheat the previous night’s pot of tea. He checked his phone while he chewed granola, which he had carefully picked all the chocolate chips out of and eaten first. It was nearly noon, and he had only two texts, another concerned message from Poe, asking if he needed any help reassembling his furniture, and a cheery good morning from his mother. He considered answering Poe, asking him to come over and build all his furniture while he sat aside like a little boy, but thought better of it, he was lazy but he had some pride left. Plus he didn’t feel well enough to trust himself not to swing at Poe if he annoyed him.

He took his tea into the living room and wrapped himself in his blanket before powering on his laptop. He brought up a few job hunting sites to give the illusion of productivity before he started scrolling through twitter, the Skype call sound interrupting him after only seconds. It was his mother’s account calling so he ran a hand through his hair, tying it back with the band around his wrist and attempting to make it look like he hadn’t just woken up before clicking the answer button, he’d spent his whole life listening to her lectures and didn’t care to hear another his first day on his own.

“BEN! Guess what?” Rey shouted from the other side of the screen, her face bright. She was in her pajamas still, a pink flannel set with little stars and planets, her hair was a mess and she had bits of what looked like oatmeal spilled down her front. Ben smiled back at her, she was eight now, a little over ten years his junior, and he could still remember the day she’d been born with ease. His uncle Luke and Aunt Colette had brought her to visit just days after she was born, all Ben remembered from the months before her birth were snippets of his parents hushed conversations of accidents and surprise. Ten year old Ben had been rather uninterested in her to begin with, but he had grown fond of her over the years and she had become one of the most important sources of happiness in his life. Often she was the only thing that could truly pull him out of a tailspin, the fear of hurting her, or scaring her was enough to bring him back to his senses.

Her mother had died six months previously, and although it didn’t phase Ben much, since he’d never been particularly close to even his uncle, he had sensed the distinct change in Rey’s disposition quite easily, which was odd for him. It likely didn’t help that her father, supposedly stricken with grief, had run off to some monastery across the ocean. Ben felt like he was angrier with Luke than Rey was, he couldn’t stand the idea of her losing her easy smile and blind faith in the world so early, despite all his own shortcomings he would always try to be a source of strength and happiness for Rey, it felt like the least he could do in return for all she, unknowingly, did for him. 

“What?” He asked, pulling an exaggerated confused face at the camera that made his cousin smile. 

“Poe came over and played with Finn and me all day yesterday! And he showed us the airplane he’s gonna get to fly!”

Ben smiled, though the mention of Poe made him want to roll his eyes, Poe was perfect in all the ways he wasn’t, and knowing that the most important person in his life probably liked him more was frustrating and sickening.“Finn was there? That sounds like fun!” He answered. Finn was a neighborhood kid around Rey’s age who’d spent nearly his entire life in foster care, a family on Ben’s parent’s block had recently adopted him for good and he and Rey had become fast friends. Ben was glad to see Rey wasn’t missing her father or her old life too much, and he figured that if Poe was helping her feel that way he couldn’t hate him, though he desperately wanted to.

“It was _so_ fun! And Uncle Han let me sit on his lap in the truck when we went to get dinner. It was fun but I missed you a lot, when are you going to come home and visit?” 

“I’ve only been gone for one day, Rey, you can’t possibly miss me yet.”

“Yes I can! I miss you _this_ much.” She stretched her arms as wide as they would go and grinned at him, her buck teeth and empty spaces combining into the most heartwarming smile Ben had ever seen.

“Fine, you can miss me, because I miss you too.” He answered softly as his mother came into view.

“Oh, Ben, are you sleeping on the floor? I can send dad or Poe over, they’re out in the garage now.” She clicked her tongue at him, her tone somehow both concerned and condescending. 

“No thanks, mommy, I just lost track of time yesterday.” He watched as his mother tried to wipe the food from Rey’s face while she struggled and threw pleading looks his way.

“Aunt Leia, please! I like that on my face!” She argued and Leia just sighed before walking offscreen.

“I have to go now, okay, Rey? I’m very busy.” Ben said, trying to sound serious.

“Busy with what?”

“Grown up things.”

“You’re not a grown up! You’re still a kid.”

“No, I’m eighteen, I’m a grown up.”

“You’re so dumb, Ben! Okay, Aunt Leia is calling me...oh no,” Rey muttered, sliding under the dining table, she peeked her head out to look at the camera once more, “if Aunt Leia asks I’m not here and I did _not_ cut up her yellow sweater.” She whispered conspiratorially before the line went dead.

Ben actually felt significantly better than when he woke up, which was a thing that very seldom happened to him after talking to anyone who shared his blood, it was a welcome change of pace. Hoping to continue the upward curve of happiness he dug through his things and packed a bowl, taking a long hit before toggling out of the Skype window and back to the job listings. He smoked and scrolled and by the time he reached the end of the fourth page with no luck, he was still feeling good though an edge of irritation had started to creep in. He clicked out of the site and logged onto his instant messenger instead, startled when there was more than one chat in his tray. The new chat was from a username he quickly recognized as someone who frequented the same history and science forums as he did, though he’d never had any extended contact with them. He opened the chat after a moment of eyeing it warily.

>   
>  _**Hux** is online_  
>  **Hux (thegeneralhux)** : Good morning.  
>  _**Kylo** is online_  
>  **Kylo (kyloren)** : morning?  
>  **Hux** : It is indeed morning.  
>  **Kylo** : i know, i just…  
>  **Kylo** : do you need something?  
>  **Hux** : Need? No. Want? Yes.  
>  **Kylo** : okay, what do you want then?  
>  **Hux** : Just to speak to you. I found your comments on Genetics and Psychology recently quite interesting.  
>  **Kylo** : oh, i don’t really know anything about that stuff  
>  **Kylo** : that’s just stuff i read online  
>  **Hux** : Well, you collect information and express your thoughts quite elegantly.  
>  **Kylo** : thanks  
> 

Ben blushed just looking at the screen, when he’d decided to forgo college he never imagined someone would compliment his intelligence or writing again. But seeing this Hux genuinely enjoy the results of many late nights spent in deep dark online research holes was positively exciting. Hux sent him question after question about his postings, some from months previous, which Ben was flattered by, he figured no one read anything he wrote, let alone things buried in the boards of a scientific community forum. 

Hux asked where his interest in psychology came from, and Ben’s hands froze over the keyboard. He didn’t want to admit that his interest in it had sprung up after his grandfather’s death. Ben had always been close with his grandfather, he understood him better than his parents ever did and he never made him feel bad about his emotions or outbursts or anything else that Ben felt made him not fit in. He hadn’t known then, as a child, that his grandfather was ill, and had been all his life, BPD or IED or GAD, Ben could never get a straight answer from his mother, even after his grandfather’s death, but he knew that was what made them the same. Hux’s questions brought the memories of his grandfather’s last months painfully into the present, he’d gotten worse and worse until he was flying into rages at everything, he’d go through bouts of being nonverbal and eventually Ben’s mother and uncle couldn’t take care of him anymore. Ben still resented them for putting him away in some home, away from his family, away from _Ben_. Thoughts of what it must have been like for him, alone and deserted by his family, unable to trust even himself, medicated out of his mind and rotting away in some cold padded room brought the taste of bile to Ben’s throat and made his heart race, anger and shame and sadness bubbling up from his stomach. He shut his eyes tightly, willing the feelings away.

>   
>  **Hux** : Are you still there?  
>  **Hux** : Kylo?  
>  **Hux** : I was quite enjoying our conversation.  
>  **Hux** : It’s quite rude to just disappear, you know.  
> 

Ben stared at the messages for a moment after opening his eyes, his eyes flicking down to the clock before he answered. It had taken him over ten minutes to calm down. That was far too long, he felt another wave of shame wash over him. He shook his head, dug his fingers into his hair and twisted, tugging it for a moment before he typed a response.

> **Kylo** : sorry, had to take a call  
>  **Hux** : Oh, my apologies. I thought I may have offended you.  
>  **Hux** : May I ask a question?  
>  **Kylo** : um, sure, but my knowledge of psychology isn’t very deep  
>  **Hux** : Oh, no, don’t worry, I’d just like to know how old you are?  
>  **Kylo** : almost 19  
>  **Hux** : Hmm.  
>  **Kylo** : what does that mean?  
>  **Hux** : Nothing really. I just expected you to be older.  
>  **Kylo** : is that a good thing?  
>  **Hux** : It is.  
>  **Kylo** : thank you then  
>  **Hux** : No need to thank me, just an observation.  
>  **Hux** : I have class now, but I’d like to talk to you again, is is okay to contact you here again?  
>  **Kylo** : sure, i’d like to talk to you again too  
>  _**Hux** is offline_

Ben stared at his screen for a moment after Hux left, he was smiling dumbly at it but he didn’t care, he felt something flutter in his stomach, he couldn’t remember when he last felt it but he thought it might be excitement. He prepared for the inevitable anxiety that always accompanied those types of feelings while he packed another bowl, hoping to combat it. He checked his phone, his mother had texted again, asking everything she couldn’t in front of Rey, uncomfortable things he didn’t care to discuss. He sent her the barest answers possible and set his phone and pipe down to take his progress report. “Progress Report: I am anxious, but functioning. I am not overwhelmed. I don’t want to die.” He nodded to himself for a moment, mulling over the statements before sliding his headphones on and resuming a documentary on Viking weaponry.


	3. Brain Stew/ Jaded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just boring family stuff, I'm sorry.
> 
> But don't worry because the next chapter is done and just needs editing and it is ~saucy.

Ben showed up to his parents house exactly twenty minutes before his mother had requested him. He was out of breath and pink cheeked when he entered the house, leaving his bike on the porch, it was too hot for the amount of black he was wearing. “Ma?” He called out into the family room, usually she greeted him as soon as he rode up. When she didn’t answer he walked through the room, into the kitchen, which was also empty, before pulling open the door to the backyard. Outside his parents and Poe were sitting at the table chatting, Rey and Finn were running around the yard followed by a dog Ben figured was Poe’s. Ben groaned, he hadn’t known Poe was going to be around and had no desire to make pleasant conversation with him. The stupid smile on his face had Ben’s jaw clenching and his fists closing at his sides.

“Hey, Ben, buddy, come sit down!” Poe called to him, standing up to pull out a chair. Ben stalked over, and pulled out the chair opposite the one Poe had offered before dropping down heavily. Poe just shook his head and sat back down, his grin never leaving his face. “So how’s the new place, must be keeping you busy.” Poe asked and Ben cleared his throat awkwardly. He was sure Poe had been with his parents the entire time he’d been gone, so he knew Ben had been ignoring him. “Yeah, I’m still, uh, unpacking.” Ben scratched the back of his neck, pulling the hair there lightly and staring anywhere but at Poe. “Why don’t you take that sweater off, Ben? You’re going to boil out here.” Leia suggested, patting her son on the back. Ben pointedly did not remove his sweatshirt, instead scooting away from his mother as his hands found his hair and gently pulled. “I’m fine, mom.” Leia shook her head, turning back towards her tablet, her fingers moving a mile a minute.

Ben slouched into his chair as Han and Poe started back at whatever they had been talking about before he’d interrupted, he couldn’t follow most of it. Both Han and Leia had been in the military before Ben was born, his father an airforce pilot and his mother the general, and apparently Poe was set to follow in their footsteps. Poe spoke like a man already enlisted, his words dripping with confidence, more comfortable throwing around pilot jargon than he had any right to be. Ben wondered why Poe hadn’t enlisted yet, currently he was spending his time co-driving a semi with Han, it kept them both gone most of the week, which often left Rey in the care of Finn’s parents, since Leia was much too busy trying to save the world to be stay at home mom.

Ben stared into the yard as the adults talked, he didn’t care to be part of the conversation regardless of the fact that he couldn’t have been even if he had wanted to. Rey and Finn were laying in the grass with the dog at their feet, turned towards each other and whispering, smiling wide and throwing the occasional glance toward the patio before descending into fits of laughter. Ben watched them, then his parents, and desperately wanted to be anywhere besides where he was. He slumped lower in his chair and pulled his hands into the sleeves of his hoodie, and the hood over his uncombed hair.

“Ben, come help me with this.” He distantly heard his mother ask, he’d lost track of the conversation and half nodded off staring into the sky. He got up and followed his mother to the kitchen, Rey tagging behind them as if she’d just noticed Ben was there, too preoccupied with Finn to have even greeted him. “I don’t like that jacket, Ben.” Rey said as she stuck her arms up towards him, asking to be lifted onto the countertop. He looked down at his sweatshirt, wondering if Leia had asked her to say something about it, the design was from some band he didn’t even listen to anymore, a snarling wolf creature with fake blood spatter over the entire thing. He would admit it _was_ ugly and ratty and now soaked through with sweat, but he hated shopping, getting rid of things was an anxiety inducing thought, which left him with a closet full of too tight emo band t-shirts, black jeans ripped past the point of being cool and alternative, and faded sweatshirts.

Ben looked down at his cousin, towering over her still even though she was now sat on the counter. “That’s rude, Rey, this jacket likes _you_.” he said deadpan before pulling open the hoodie and wrapping it around her with a snarling growl. She screamed and giggled, wiggling against him, before poking her head out of the fabric, her face inches from his. “It is ugly, Ben.” she said seriously, enunciating each word to make sure he understood, “You should wear more green, it’s much better than black.” Ben let go of her with a small smile, “Sure, more green, got it, sunshine.” She smiled widely at him using her nickname, wrapping her arms around him before pulling back, disgusted. “You smell like Uncle Chewie’s socks!” Ben yanked his jacket off at her words and tossed it over the breakfast bar, into the living room with disgust. Two women commenting on his poor fashion choices were enough for one day.

“Peel these for me, will you Ben?” Leia asked, passing him a bowl of scrubbed potatoes. He sat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, Rey to his right and began. He could still hear snips of his father and Poe’s conversation, though his mother drowned most of it out with tales of her latest speeches, and how she’d apparently, single-handedly passed the most important veteran related legislation of the past decade. “How come you don’t have a girlfriend?” Rey asked during a lull in Leia’s story. Leia looked at him from the corner of her eye, and he swallowed. “What? Why?” Ben choked out. Rey had never been the type of little girl to care about love or romance, considering she was only eight, Ben didn’t find this particularly odd, so the question caught him off guard. A part of him thought that Leia must have fed her lines before he’d arrived, realizing that he was much less likely to lie to her than he was to his parents.

“‘Cause Poe has a girlfriend. She’s really nice, and pretty, and Poe says she makes him happier than anything else in the world.” She looked down at her feet for a moment, before she spoke again, looking into Ben’s eyes with as serious a face as she could muster, “And, you don’t have anyone who makes you really happy, right Ben?” Ben stared down at the potato in his hands, wishing his mother wasn’t around so he could properly explain to Rey exactly what he wanted to. “I do,” he started, setting down the potato and peeler and wiping his hands on his jeans, “I’ve got you, and, ah, mom and dad and your dad.” He answered, avoiding contact with the grilling look she was giving him. Leia gave Ben a pitying look as she left the room, carrying a tray of snacks to the patio. 

“That’s not what I mean! Is it because you like boys? Because that’s what Poe thinks.” Ben scowled, the fact that Poe was speculating about his sexuality at all was awful, and the fact that he was doing so in the presence of his cousin was even worse. “What? Why were you talking to Poe about _that_?” he demanded, his voice raising dangerously before he settled himself, the startled look on Rey’s face quelling some of his anger. “I wasn’t exactly…” Rey answered, her voice low and her eyes downcast, “I heard him talking about it with Aunt Leia, but...I was supposed to be in bed, don’t tell them, please, Ben!” Ben sighed heavily, his mother thought he was gay, which wasn’t technically an incorrect assumption to make, though it was one he wished desperately that she hadn’t shared with Poe fucking Dameron. She and Han had already made it more than apparent that they would have preferred Poe to be their son, he didn’t need it rubbed in his face so obviously. 

“No, I won’t tell them, don’t worry. But don’t do that anymore, eavesdropping is disrespectful, okay?” Rey nodded solemnly and looked up into Ben’s eyes. “You should get a boyfriend though...if that’s what would make you happy.” Ben shook his head, Rey was starting to sound so much like his mother it was disturbing. “I’m already happy, don’t worry about me.” He answered, pushing a stray curl behind her ear and holding her face for a moment. He marveled at the size of his hand when she reached up and placed her’s atop his, and he wished that this tiny, precious girl didn’t worry about him, he wished he could be happy for her. 

“I _have_ to worry about you, you’re too big and dumb.” Rey told him gently, squeezing his hand. He grimaced, it was only slightly emasculating to be put down so efficiently by a second grader. “Now help me down, I wanna go play.” She said after a moment, all seriousness gone from her face as he lifted her and set her on the ground. She ran off giggling, launching herself through the kitchen door and into the grass with a somersault. Ben scrubbed a hand over his face before finishing the task his mother had assigned him. He wanted to be annoyed with Rey, wanted to brush off her worries as being the stupid words of a child, but she was right. Of course he wasn’t happy, though it wasn’t something that could be solved by some cute boy licking his wounds and loving his broken pieces back together, that wasn’t something that happened in real life, or something he even wanted.


	4. John McClane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I really like this chapter, so hopefully that translates. But, there is IMing, and some sauciness so enjoy it.

Ben woke up to his phone buzzing under his pillow, he was still sleeping on the floor, now with his mattress haphazardly flopped in front of the window in the living room. He pulled it out and blinked at the brightness for a moment before he realized it was his alarm, he swiped it away and sat up in a haze. Spending so much time with his family had been exhausting and he was still feeling it. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes before getting up to retrieve his last two granola bars and a bottle from the case of water his mother insisted he take home the night before. He had to go grocery shopping and he knew it, but he’d been putting it off as long as possible, knowing that he’d have to call either his mother or father for help since he couldn’t very well bring everything home on his bike. He ate in the kitchen, staring into the little attached dining room and wondering if he needed a dining table, or if it was an unnecessary expense. He’d begun putting together a list of things he needed to buy, at the top were things like a shower curtain and laundry detergent, at the bottom were more luxurious things like an actual television and a toaster oven. Most of all, he needed to find a job.

He tossed the granola wrappers into the waste basket and made his way back to the living room. He’d spent some time getting his desk together, but he passed it and dropped onto his mattress, curling up before turning his laptop on. He opened his messenger to a single chat, his friends knew that he wouldn’t be online when he was with his family so they hadn’t left him anything, but Hux had. Ben looked at the little notification for a moment, a churning feeling of excitement and anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach when he saw that Hux’s name was green, he was online. He clicked open the message with a deep breath.

>   
>  _**Hux** is online ___  
> **Hux** : Good afternoon, Kylo.  
>  _**Kylo** is online_  
>  **Kylo** : hey  
>  **Hux** : You weren’t online at all yesterday.  
>  **Hux** : Busy with something important?  
>  **Kylo** : family stuff, you know how it is  
>  **Hux** : Unlikely.  
>  **Kylo** : what do you mean?  
>  **Hux** : Nevermind.  
>  **Hux** : Can I ask you to do something for me?  
>  **Kylo** : um, maybe?  
>  **Kylo** : as long as it’s nothing weird…  
>  **Hux** : Of course not. Would you send me a picture?  
>  **Kylo** : of? me?  
>  **Hux** : You don’t have to, I’m just...interested.  
>    
> 

Ben sat back, looking away from his screen for a moment. Part of him was unsure, he was under no illusion that he was handsome, he knew his features were much too nontraditional for anyone to find attractive. The only people he openly sent photos to were his friends, and even then he tried to avoid it, he wasn’t good looking or muscular like Aries nor did he have the striking cheekbones and interesting eyes of Kai. But another part of him wanted desperately to know why this strange man wanted to see him, wanted to submit himself for a stranger’s approval. He couldn’t place his finger exactly on why, maybe it was just the fact that someone had gone out of their way to interact with him, or maybe it was the little voice of his mother in the back of his head telling him that strangers on the internet only meant him harm. Ben ran his hands through his hair and made his decision, flicking on his webcam. He thought about combing his hair or washing his face, but decided against it, simply snapping one photo and sending it off before he could overthink it. 

>   
>  **Hux** : Thank you.  
>  **Kylo** : was that alright?  
>  **Hux** : Quite nice.  
>  **Kylo** : that’s it?  
>  **Hux** : Well, you’ve got an interestingly developed supraorbital ridge, and the contrast of forms is intriguing to say the least.  
>  **Hux** : I’d need to see more angles, of course, to form a proper opinion.  
>  **Kylo** : an opinion of what? my skull?  
>  **Kylo** : are you a serial killer or something??  
>  **Hux** : Yes, an opinion of your skull.  
>  **Hux** : That was sarcasm, for the record.  
>  **Hux** : And no, I’m not a serial killer, just a man interested in the human body.  
>  **Kylo** : is that a pickup line?  
>  **Hux** : You’re being facetious, correct?  
>  **Kylo** : correct  
>  **Hux** : Funny.  
>  **Kylo** : i aim to please  
>  **Hux** : I’ll keep that in mind.  
>  **Kylo** : don’t get ahead of yourself, dahmer  
>  **Hux** : I resent that, I would never get caught.  
>  **Kylo** : sarcasm?  
>  **Hux** : Correct.  
>  **Hux** : Would you like to hear my preliminary opinion?  
>  **Hux** : On your face, I mean.  
>  **Kylo** : absolutely, lay it on me, night stalker  
>  **Hux** : The Night Stalker was Ramirez, not Dahmer.  
>  **Kylo** : of course, my mistake  
>  **Hux** : Anyway, regardless of your distasteful sense of humor, I, personally, find your face rather pleasing.  
>  **Kylo** : thank you  
>  **Kylo** : i think  
>  **Hux** : You’re very welcome, Kylo.  
> 

Ben flopped away from his computer, his face flushed bright red and his heart hammering in his throat. Hux _liked_ him, Hux thought he was _attractive_! He evened his breathing, suppressing the urge he had to punch the air before sitting back up, he needed to play it cool, to find at least a modicum of chill before he made a fool of himself. He thought about texting Aries to ask for advice, but thought better of it, he needed to do things on his own sometimes, he couldn’t spend all his time relying on his family and friends. 

>   
>  **Kylo** : can i ask _you_ for something?  
>  **Hux** : And I quote, “as long as it’s nothing weird…”  
>  **Hux** : Though our definitions of “weird” are likely...different.  
>  **Kylo** : i’d like to see you  
>  **Hux** : Of course you would, that’s only fair.  
> 

Hux sent a photo almost immediately, and Ben wondered if he’d taken one or already had one prepared. He clicked open the photo and stared. Hux was _handsome_ , traditionally so, a straight nose, pale intense eyes, and a strong jaw, topped with a precisely combed and gelled swish of bright orange hair. Ben found himself gaping for a moment, staring at Hux’s mouth, schooled into a disapproving scowl, but with full lips and a delicate rosy pink color. Hux was more than just handsome, he was commanding, regal looking even in the somewhat grainy webcam picture. Ben swallowed thickly, a feeling he couldn’t quite identify rising in his throat before he exited the photo. 

>   
>  **Hux** : Preliminary opinion?  
>  **Kylo** : good  
>  **Hux** : Eloquent.  
>  **Kylo** : sorry, it’s um, very good  
>  **Hux** : That isn’t much better.  
>  **Kylo** : i wasn’t finished  
>  **Kylo** : now, i’m no scientist  
>  **Hux** : That much is obvious.  
>  **Kylo** : but you’ve got a kind of regal look?  
>  **Hux** : A compliment?  
>  **Kylo** : absolutely  
>  **Hux** : You’re a funny little man, you know that, Kylo Ren?  
>  **Kylo** : i’m not exactly little  
>  **Hux** : Is that a pickup line?  
>  **Kylo** : only if you want it to be  
>  **Hux** : I may, but it’s too early to tell, I think.  
> 

Ben didn’t suppress his urge this time, punching the air with a small sound of excitement. He wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, his heart was in his throat, his face was bright, and his palms were damp, but he knew he liked it. He looked around for a moment, making sure none of his neighbors had seen him before pulling his computer fully into his lap. He clicked open Hux’s photo once more, his eyes lingering on sculpted cheekbones and golden eyelashes. His eyes were intense under straight, pale brows, and Ben had to look away. Eye contact was one of Ben’s biggest weaknesses and it incidentally applied to photographs as well. He clicked back to the chat, his left hand digging into his hair, fingers twisting and pulling in thought. 

>   
>  **Kylo** : would you tell me if you were?  
>  **Kylo** : a murderer i mean  
>  **Hux** : I don’t think I’d be a very good killer if I went around telling people.  
>  **Kylo** : i mean, i don’t know you though  
>  **Kylo** : not like i could implicate you  
>  **Hux** : You know what I look like.  
>  **Hux** : This conversation could likely stand as evidence.  
>  **Hux** : A confession here would be an unwise decision.  
>  **Kylo** : you’re really not convincing me otherwise  
>  **Hux** : No, I’ve never killed anyone, happy?  
>  **Kylo** : yes, i’m happy to know i’m not flirting with death  
>  **Hux** : Who said I was flirting?  
>  **Kylo** : oof, a harsh bruise to the ego  
>  **Hux** : I’m sure you’ll wear the bruise well.  
>  **Kylo** : i like to think i wear most things well  
>  **Kylo** : even bruises  
>  **Hux** : An easily testable hypothesis.  
>  **Kylo** : you want to bruise me?  
>  **Hux** : Is that a question, or an invitation?  
>  **Kylo** : a question, for now  
>  **Hux** : Truthfully, yes.  
>  **Hux** : I imagine contusions would quite suit your face.  
>  **Hux** : Like a fine rouge.  
>  **Kylo** : you’d hurt me?  
>  **Hux** : Only if you allowed me to.  
>  **Hux** : I have to go now, I’ll contact you again soon if that’s agreeable?  
>  **Kylo** : please do  
>  **Kylo** : bye  
>  _**Hux** is offline_  
> 

Standing up, Ben let out a shaking breath. He’d never thought of it before, but he _wanted_ Hux, this stranger, to _hurt_ him. Some strange part of his mind was whirring with images and ideas of himself bruised and bloody and willing and pliant in Hux’s hands. Shame washed over him, drowned almost completely out by unfettered arousal at the very idea. The feeling was altogether unfamiliar to Ben, it wasn’t as though he’d never been aroused, but the instances were far and few inbetween and never so strong and concrete. The thought of Hux, with his red hair and golden lashes, looking down on him while his face bloomed purple and black had him shamefully hard in his shorts, and he stared down at himself, both astonished and ashamed. Between suicidal ideation, and his mother’s complete and absolute inability to knock, Ben had never become particularly fond of getting himself off. In that moment, though, the idea had never sounded more tempting. 

Ben gently, almost carefully stroked himself through his shorts as he dropped back down onto his mattress, experimentally tightening his grip after a moment in a way that had him arching his back and groaning. He thought of the picture of Hux, thought about looking at it while he stroked himself, the thought enough to have him biting into his knuckles to keep quiet. He stopped himself from looking at it, it was one thing to think about him and another thing entirely to stare into his eyes while he jerked off. He _did_ think about him though, thought about Hux touching him the way he touched himself, about how his voice might sound and how he’d press his fingers into his hips and thighs hard enough to leave bruises. Ben stifled his moan when he came, spilling too quickly into his hand, stroking himself hard and fast through it, chasing the feeling until his moans turned to whimpers. 

He flopped backwards, laying out and ignoring the quickly drying cum on his stomach in favor of staring at the ceiling and trying desperately not to think about the fact that he’d just gotten himself off for the first time in a year and a half to the thought of a stranger beating him up. “Progress report: I am confused. I am possibly a masochist. I am hopeful, though somewhat overwhelmed.” He dug his clean hand into his hair then, twisting and heavily considering the idea of going back to bed for the rest of the day.


	5. Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're back from an accidental hiatus with depression, sexting, and drunk hux

Ben woke up in darkness with an empty chest and a stomach full of stone. He opened his eyes and blinked into the darkness, the feeling had surpassed the point of overwhelming and settled on ripping all emotion and sentiment from his body, leaving behind a distant dread. He was familiar with the sensation by now, the cold stiff grip of depression. He’d never admit it, never broach the topic with anyone who would force him to get help, but he knew the things he felt: the sadness, the emptiness, the anxiety, were more than normal, that his brain didn’t work quite right. He turned over, groping for his phone, clicking it on and adjusting to the eye searing brightness. It was nearly two in the morning, after this morning’s interesting turn of events he’d puttered around the house for a bit, played video games and read articles, before going to bed at 4pm, mentally exhausted but feeling relatively good. He sighed heavily at the loss of the feeling, though a part of him had been expecting the sudden drop for days.

He had texts from Aries, Kai, Cen, and his mother, as well as two missed skype calls and ten IMs, he swiped all the notifications away without opening them and dropped his phone onto the mattress. His phone pinged again seconds after he dropped it, the default IM sound, which Ben vaguely registered after a few moments meant it must have been from Hux, since the group message notification sounded different. A wave of shame and fear rolled through him, breaking momentarily through the cold numbness and settling in his chest. He should answer, he needed to answer the message. He wrapped both hands in his hair and yanked, forcing himself to sit up after a moment, despite the fact that the action made him want to scream.

>   
>  _**Hux** is online_  
>  **Hux** : Good evening.  
>  **Hux** : Oh, nevermind, good night? Maybe?  
>  **Hux** : In the interest of transparency, I should inform you that I am inentiared.  
>  **Hux** : Fuck, *inenristed.  
>  **Hux** : INEVRIETED  
>  **Hux** : Drunk.  
>  **Kylo** : okay?  
>  **Hux** : Full disclosur and all that.  
>  **Kylo** : sure, important  
>  **Kylo** : why are you drunk texting me?  
>  **Hux** : Do I sense annoyance?  
>  **Kylo** : it’s 2:30 am  
>  **Hux** : And yet here you are, online.  
>  **Hux** : I’m abviously not disrutping sleep.  
>  **Kylo** : is there a point to this conversation?  
>  **Hux** : Rude boy!  
>  **Kylo** : i’m not a dog  
>  **Hux** : Of course you aren’t.  
>  **Hux** : You’re a handsome young boy.  
>  **Kylo** : i’m a man  
>  **Hux** : Of course.  
>  **Kylo** : condescension?  
>  **Hux** : Absolutely not.  
>  **Hux** : Flirting was my intention.  
>  **Kylo** : wow, you are really bad at that then  
>  **Hux** : You’re not the first person to say tha  
>  **Kylo** : are you still drinking?  
>  **Hux** : Mm, yessir.  
>  **Hux** : But you were handsome when I was sober too.  
>  **Kylo** : thank you.  
>  **Hux** : You seem different?  
>  **Hux** : Are you angry with me ?  
>  **Kylo** : no, just off tonight  
>  **Hux** : Allow me to get you on?  
>  **Kylo** : and how would you do that?  
>  **Kylo** : also, that is some awkward phrasing  
>  **Hux** : Forgive my phrasing, I’ve had a lot of whiskey.  
>  **Hux** : Wait, I turned autocorrect on.  
>  **Hux** : It’s doing like 90% of the work here right now.  
>  **Kylo** : you didn’t answer my question  
>  **Hux** : Oh, yes, of course.  
>  **Hux** : I’ve never done this before.  
>  **Kylo** : done what?  
>  **Hux** : Well, I was intending to, um, dirty talk you?  
> 

Ben blinked at his phone, dumbfounded. The urge to either puke or scream was thick in his throat, a concoction of terrifying excitement roiling deep in his gut. He was scared out his mind, and yet an edge of sweet anticipation worked its way over him, slicing efficiently through the fog of emptiness, if only minutely. 

>   
>  **Kylo** : wow  
>  **Hux** : Did I misread some signals?  
>  **Kylo** : not exactly  
>  **Hux** : Stop being confusing.  
>  **Kylo** : got it  
>  **Hux** : Good, thank you.  
>  **Kylo** : so, you were going to talk dirty to me?  
>  **Hux** : Oh, yeah.  
>  **Hux** : Okay, get ready.  
>  **Kylo** : this is going great already  
>  **Hux** : Fuck off.  
>  **Kylo** : erotic  
>  **Hux** : Give me a fucking chance.  
>  **Kylo** : okay, i’m all ears  
>  **Kylo** : ready and waiting  
>  **Kylo** : to be seduced  
>  **Hux** : Your sarcasm is unappreciated.  
>  **Hux** : And frankly, a mood killer.  
>  **Kylo** : sorry, did i kill your boner?  
>  **Hux** : Jesus, fuck, don’t say ‘boner’.  
>  **Kylo** : okay?  
>  **Hux** : It’s gross.  
>  **Kylo** : what can i say?  
>  **Hux** : Nothing yet, just shush.  
>  **Hux** : Wait, what is your situation right now?  
>  **Kylo** : i’m in bed  
>  **Hux** : Good.  
>  **Hux** : I want you to lie flat on your back, and put one hand and your stomach.  
>  **Kylo** : you’re gonna tell me how to jerk off?  
>  **Hux** : I’m trying to do something here, okay?  
>  **Hux** : Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.  
>  **Kylo** : okay, yes, i’m doing it  
>  **Hux** : I want you to imagine I’m there with you, I’m sitting next to you but not touching you...yet.  
>  **Hux** : Can you take your hand and run it over your chest?  
> 

Ben’s breath was already coming fast and short. Hux was drunk and would probably regret the entire conversation when he sobered up, which made the whole thing feel a bit skeevy, but Ben desperately wanted to take advantage of the situation as it was presented. He did as Hux asked, even though he felt like an idiot doing so, gently dragging his hand from his hips upwards, stopping over his heart to feel it stuttering wildly in his chest. 

>   
>  **Hux** : Wait, can you send me a picture?  
>  **Kylo** : of?  
>  **Hux** : Just like, you.  
>  **Hux** : Nothing explicit.  
> 

Ben set his phone down, trying to steady his breath and squash the anxiety rising dangerously in his throat. He yanked his shirt, which had begun to stick to him with sweat, off and snapped a picture from his neck to his hips. He sent the photo, swallowing the sour bile taste in his mouth and awaiting a response. 

>   
>  **Hux** : Oh, wow.  
>  **Kylo** : wow?  
>  **Hux** : You’re quite a specimen.  
>  **Kylo** : a specimen...  
>  **Hux** : Exemplary.  
>  **Hux** : Okay, I want you to keep stroking your hand over your chest, slowly, tease yourself.  
>  **Hux** : That’s what I’d do.  
>  **Hux** : Tease you.  
>  **Kylo** : yeah?  
>  **Hux** : Yeah. Okay, wait, I’m touching you now, okay?  
>  **Hux** : I’m tracing your abs with one hand, the other is on your hip.  
>  **Kylo** : mmhm  
>  **Hux** : I stop at your nipples and pinch.  
>  **Hux** : Wait, shit, do you like that?  
>  **Kylo** : yeah  
> 

Ben’s hand froze over his chest, he couldn’t force himself to complete Hux’s instructions, the image of his hands on him too much already. The absolute one hundred eighty degree change in his emotional state was dizzying, he still felt awful, empty, devoid of emotion, but somehow also excited, and against all reason, turned on. He stopped, attempting to take what were meant to be a few steadying breaths, though they came out sputtering and choked off, before picking his phone up again. 

>   
>  **Hux** : I’m leaning over you now, and I kiss your neck, and then your chest.  
>  **Hux** : Are you hard, Kylo? Like in real life?  
>  **Kylo** : yeah  
>  **Hux** : Okay, fuck, good.  
>  **Hux** : Don’t touch yourself yet, okay?  
>  **Hux** : I don’t want you to cum before I do.  
>  **Kylo** : are you jerking off?  
>  **Hux** : Yes, but don’t say it like that.  
>  **Kylo** : fuck, whatever, keep going  
>  **Kylo** : please  
>  **Hux** : I’ve got my tongue on you now, licking over your clavicle and that little spot over the sternoclavicular joint.  
>  **Hux** : I kiss your nipples too.  
>  **Hux** : And bite them. I want to give you hickies all over your chest.  
>  **Hux** : Over those little spots you’ve got. Would you let me?  
>  **Kylo** : yes, whatever you want  
>  **Hux** : Wow, whatever I want.  
>  **Hux** : I suck bruises all over your chest then, and I start to stroke your cock with my other hand.  
>  **Kylo** : can i touch myself now?  
> 

Ben felt like an idiot, asking for permission to touch himself from someone he didn’t even know, but the desire to have Hux praise him, to give him approval was greater than his pride. He was sweating even in the cool darkness of his living room, his palm wet against his chest where it rested, and his breathing becoming more ragged still. He was desperately, embarrassingly hard in his boxers, even Hux’s awkward, clumsy flirting shooting straight through him. 

>   
>  **Hux** : Yes, but not too fast, I need a minute.  
>  **Kylo** : yes, sir  
> 

Ben loosely gripped his cock through his shorts, he felt like he would cum with only the slightest touch, but held it off, terrified of disappointing Hux. 

>   
>  **Hux** : I’m over you now, my legs on either side of your hips.  
>  **Hux** : I grind my cock against yours and lower my mouth to yours.  
>  **Hux** : Are you close?  
>  **Kylo** : yes  
>  **Hux** : Me too, fuck.  
>  **Hux** : I've got both of us in my hand now, stroking us together.  
>  **Hux** : Are you circumcised?  
>  **Kylo** : what? why?  
>  **Hux** : I want to touch you right, idiot.  
>  **Kylo** : yeah, i am  
>  **Hux** : Good.  
>  **Hux** : You’re such a good boy for me, Kylo. I’ll make you feel so good.  
>  **Hux** : You probably look so good right now, hard for me, waiting for my every instruction.  
>  **Hux** : …  
> 

Ben watched the little dots appear and disappear for what felt like an eternity, his hand moving slowly over his cock, his heart racing and blood pounding in his ears the closer he came to his release. He screwed his eyes shut, dropping his phone on his chest, his left hand reaching up to twist in his hair as his right continued to move over his cock, the thought of Hux sitting over him sending shivers down his spine. He imagined he could feel the pressure of Hux’s thighs tight against either side of his hips, his hand moving over him and his lips sealed over his, all hungry teeth and tongue and wet murmured praise. His phone pinged then, and he hastily pulled his hand from his hair, his heart jumping into his throat with anticipation. 

>   
>  **Hux** : Fuck, sorry, I came.  
>  **Hux** : Do you still need me?  
> 

Ben twisted the hand wrapped around himself, his grip tightening as he read Hux’s message. The image of him, thinking of Ben and spilling over his pale, probably freckled stomach had Ben shuddering and cumming quickly. He closed his eyes, evening his breath, his hands shaking slightly as he took his phone back up. 

>   
>  **Kylo** : no, i’m good  
>  **Hux** : Did you, uhm…  
>  **Hux** : cum?  
>  **Kylo** : yeah, thanks  
>  **Hux** : Don’t thank me, that’s distasteful.  
>  **Kylo** : okay?  
>  **Hux** : I have to go now, I’m uncomfortably sticky.  
>  **Hux** : And hungry.  
>  _**Hux** is offline_  
> 

Ben wiped his hands on his discarded shirt and burrowed beneath the blankets, a hand instinctively resting in the hair that flopped over his forehead. His mind raced deafeningly, the imagined rough moans of Hux, the way he’d call Ben a good boy while he touched him. Ben’s cheeks burned with shame and arousal, his cock stirring despite himself. He shoved his earbuds in, the feeling of dread beginning to settle once again over his chest and tried to fall back asleep.


	6. Just as Big, Twice as Swollen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like the chatting is excessive? but the knights are cute and i get so caught up with them! i don't know, let me know?
> 
> anyway ben is cute and hux is...aggressive

Ben stared at himself in the mirror, inches away from its surface turning his face this way and that, poking at his nose and his cheeks before leaning backwards. He looked, presentable he supposed, despite the splotchy pink spread over his skin and the uneven job he’d done shaving. He’d woken that morning to a phone call asking if he could interview that day for a stock boy job he’d applied to. Despite the sickening feeling still curled in the pit of his stomach he had accepted and spent the morning trying to make himself look mature and somewhat normal. He didn’t have an iron, so his shirt was rumpled in some places, and he couldn’t get his hair to lay flat, so he’d pulled it into a loose bun, hoping it looked casual and effortless rather than the mess he felt like. After three tries with a tie he’d decided against it, convinced that the crumpled knot he could manage was less desirable than no tie at all. He gave himself one last long look in the mirror, smoothing his hair, and holding his ears to the side of his head for a moment before letting them go with a sigh and stepping out of the bathroom. 

He’d purposely avoided thinking about Hux and the inevitable cease of contact he would issue while he got ready, though it had sat at the back of his mind the entire time. He wondered if Hux would simply never message him again, block him, ignore him, or if he’d message him some excuse or apology beforehand. He knew, admittedly, quite little of the man, but Hux seemed the type that would break things off in the most professional and heart breaking manner (not that they had anything to break off, they were nothing more than acquaintances). He sent a perfunctory message to both his mother and the group, vaguely outlining his day. His mother’s phone sent an automatic response informing him that she was at a conference and would have limited phone and email availability, he sighed, of course she had time to save the world despite never having made the same time for her son. Aries texted back a simple “good luck” which Ben appreciated, he wasn’t in the mood for a long conversation. 

Sliding his phone, keys, and wallet into his pockets and shrugging on a sweatshirt Ben was out the door, he grabbed his board and kicked off, already annoyed with the twenty minutes of travel ahead of him. He added “get a license” to his mental to-do list, but quickly amended it to “figure out public transportation”, he figured it was more realistic considering he didn’t have a car and just the idea of driving made him want to puke. The ride to the store gave his mind the time to wander, despite his greatest efforts to stop it from doing so. The worry that Hux would hate him was still there, but his mind soon presented the idea that Hux thought he was attractive and worth his time, and even if he had been drunk he _had_ gone out of his way to flirt with Ben. The fact was exhilarating, despite Ben’s fears, and the old adage of alcohol only amplifying the things men were too scared to say while sober kept crossing his mind, despite how utterly stupid he’d always thought it was. He desperately pushed thoughts of Hux from his mind as he rode into the grocery parking lot, his face red from both exertion and the images of Hux cumming thinking of him his mind would not stop presenting.

The store itself was small, with a purposefully worn and rustic design that made it seem as though it was much older and warmer than it was. Inside it was meant to look natural, with murals of brightly colored leaves and happy little families sitting in the sunshine. Initially Ben had been intimidated by it, his family had been the Costco type, he’d never seen so many organic labels, nor had he ever been to a store that actually had an entire section for allergy free foods (No nuts! No dairy! No gluten!) Despite his initial intimidation, he’d swallowed his anxiety and applied, considering it was one of the few places within walking distance of his place that he was even qualified to work for (the other being a mechanic, though just the thought of the place reminded him far too much of his father). The manager of the store was a small, rather meek looking man, likely not much older than Ben, with dark hair combed and gelled neatly and a perpetually scared look on his face. Ben shook his hand, which seemed small as a child’s compared to his own massive ones, and tried not to tower over him too much as he introduced himself as Dopheld. 

The interview went by in a blur of accelerated heart rates, sweating palms, and phrases like “self-starting” “natural leader” and “strong interpersonal skills”. At the end, the man stood and shook Ben’s hand once again with a somewhat unnerving smile. “You know, I’m not supposed to say anything yet, but we’ll probably be welcoming you on board within the week.” Ben thanked him, suppressing the simultaneous urges to cheer and scream and exiting the store with a heavy sigh. Though the day had gone better than he expected, he was absolutely drained and wanted nothing more than to be alone at home. 

The ride home seemed significantly shorter than his previous trip, relief and a creeping nervousness washing over him and very nearly drowning his earlier anxieties. It wasn’t until he was back home, in his pajamas, hand in his untied hair, and huddled before his laptop that thoughts of Hux re entered his mind. It was a strange feeling, being so consumed with thoughts of one thing, it had been a while since Ben had held enough interest in anything, person or otherwise, and though it was stressful, the sheer amount of emotion it was drawing from him was refreshing. He opened his messenger and opened the group chat, not bothering to scroll through the screens he had missed over his absence, which would have likely taken hours.

>   
>  **_Kylo_** is online  
>  **Kylo** : just got back from an interview…..yikes  
>  **Jax** : GOOD TO KNOW UR NOT DEAD, DUDE  
>  **Kai** : It went well I trust?  
>  **Kylo** : i think so, basically said i’m hired  
>  **Sola** : Nice work, kid.  
>  **Kylo** : pretty sure we’re the same age, sol  
>  **Sola** : That’s what you think.  
>  **Rek** : o dam mystris sola strkes agn  
>  **Sola** : I’m going to come across the ocean,  
>  **Sola** : and kick your ass one day, Rek.  
>  **Rek** : u promse?  
>  **Sola** : Abso fucking lutely.  
>  **Jax** : DEATHMATCH OR AWK HOOKUP?  
>  **Kylo** : sola could do better.  
>  **Rek** : FCKN RUDE  
>  **Rek** : ‘M A CATCH  
>  **Sola** : Lmao……..sure you are.  
>  **Kai** : Just so you two know, I’m qualified to officiate marriages :)  
>  **Sola** : Oh my god, fuck off you guys!  
>  **Rek** : mrs rek  
>  **Sola** : I’m gonna take your first name?  
>  **Rek** : yes

Ben grinned to himself, he could actually feel the stress of the day melting away as the messenger pinged continually. The relief and safety provided by his friends never ceased to amaze him. A second sound came after a moment, the default chat alert, and Ben’s stomach immediately dropped, his fingers twisting anxiously in his hair. 

>   
>  _**Hux** is online_  
>  **Hux** : So, I feel an apology is probably in order here?  
>  **Kylo** : sorry  
>  **Hux** : What?  
>  **Hux** : What in the hell do you have to apologize for?  
>  **Kylo** : i don’t know, that’s kinda just my default  
>  **Hux** : No, stop that, you idiot.  
>  **Hux** : I, in an intoxicated state, acted inappropriately and I apologize for that.  
>  **Kylo** : oh. it’s alright?  
>  **Hux** : This is not going how I anticipated.  
>  **Hux** : I actually asked my roommate for advice on how to do this, and this is not how she said it would go.  
>  **Kylo** : sorry?  
>  **Hux** : Please stop apologizing to me, it’s off putting.  
>  **Kylo** : sorry  
>  **Hux** : You’re doing it on purpose now, aren’t you?  
>  **Hux** : You know if you no longer wish to speak with me, you can just say so.  
>  **Kylo** : that actually wasn't on purpose, just reflex  
>  **Kylo** : and i do want to talk to you still  
>  **Hux** : Excellent, that is good to hear.  
>  **Hux** : Considering I’m in no way finished with you yet.  
>  **Kylo** : what do you intend to do before you’re “finished”  
>  **Hux** : Ah ah, that’s on a strictly need to know basis at this point.  
>  **Kylo** : and i don’t need to know?  
>  **Hux** : I showed too many of my cards last night, a man’s got to keep some things to himself, you know?  
>  **Kylo** : honestly, what the fuck are you?  
>  **Hux** : A scholar and a gentleman.  
>  **Kylo** : what a shit cop out  
>  **Hux** : Bite me, perhaps?  
>  **Kylo** : is than an invitation?  
>  **Hux** : Absolutely.  
>  **Hux** : I’d let a boy like you bite me any day.  
>  **Kylo** : not a boy  
>  **Hux** : Of course, a man.  
>  **Hux** : Strong, virile, broad shouldered, hairy chested.  
>  **Kylo** : fuck off  
>  **Hux** : Fine.  
>  **Hux** :...  
>  **Hux** : You don’t really want me to fuck off, I can tell.  
>  **Hux** : You want me to fuck you.  
>  **Kylo** : a little forward  
>  **Kylo** : are you sure you’re not projecting?  
>  **Hux** : Of course not.  
>  **Hux** : Not that I wouldn’t be glad to indulge you.  
>  **Kylo** : good to know your thirst transcends intoxication  
>  **Hux** : Strong minded men aren’t hindered in their pursuits, even by cheap whiskey.

Ben sucked in a breath, his heart hammering in his chest. He'd never had anyone express an interest in him, let alone so boldly. He quickly switched tabs, absolutely unsure of how to respond to Hux’s advances. Part of him wanted to just give in completely, to tell Hux to come find him, to take him apart and do as he pleased with him, though another, much more responsible part of him said he should avoid Hux and his fearless flirting. He did what he always did when faced with overwhelming decisions and consulted his friends. 

>   
>  **Kylo** : fuuuuuuuuuuck, sos  
>  **Kai** : What do you need, my boy?  
>  **Sola** : Have you got your hand stuck in another jar?  
>  **Kylo** : okay, first of all fuck off  
>  **Rek** : its ur dck ths tim??  
>  **Kai** : Please, you two, this could be serious. Kylo?  
>  **Kylo** : what do you do when someone wants to fuck you??  
>  **Rek** : dude  
>  **Jax** : YOU FUCK ‘EM  
>  **Kai** : Are you interested in this person?  
>  **Kylo** : i don’t know!  
>  **Sola** : You’re so clueless, it’s kind of adorable.  
>  **Sola** : I’m sure you do know.  
>  **Kylo** : okay, yes  
>  **Rek** : hly fck! kyles n luv  
>  **Kylo** : jesus christ no i’m not  
>  **Kai** : Kylo has to come to that conclusion on his own.  
>  **Jax** : THEY HOT?  
>  **Rek** : lmfaaoa, gd q jax  
>  **Sola** : Kylo, you need to do this on your own. We can’t do it for you.  
>  **Sola** : Also, you shouldn’t ever ask the fucking idiot twins for advice.  
>  **Rek** : tht jax n me?  
>  **Jax** : OFFENSIVE AND RUDE  
>  **Jax** : I'M NOT AS UGLY AS REK  
>  **Kai** : Nicely stated, Sola. You’ve got this Kylo, you’re stronger and smarter than you even know <3  
>  **Kylo** : thank

Ben twisted his fingers in his hair, Sola was right of course, she always tended to be, he knew exactly what he wanted. He clicked back and stared at Hux’s words for a moment more before responding. 

>   
>  **Kylo** : well then, why don’t you indulge me?


	7. The Carpal Tunnel of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how long has it been since the last update? 100 years? 150? 
> 
> anyway this chapter killed my ass and it's literally just filler.

Ben got the call from the grocery store early Thursday afternoon, he was still sleeping when the phone rang and answered groggily assuming it was his mother. When the slightly fearful yet chipper voice of Dopheld reached his ear he sat up straight, throwing the blanket from over his head and clearing his throat. He felt something akin to pride after hanging up, he assumed it was pride despite being rather unfamiliar with the sensation. He checked his phone and found it to be after noon, and grunted with effort pulling himself up from the mattress. He cast an annoyed glance and his still unassembled bed frame on the way to the bathroom, he still had a long list of tasks to accomplish before his home would be deemed acceptable (he couldn’t help but think of his mother’s expectations). 

Ben settled himself on the kitchen counter, his phone balanced on his knee, after putting the kettle on and digging through a box to locate his last remaining foodstuffs (a block of chicken ramen noodles). He absentmindedly crushed the noodles into a mug while he scrolled through a forum debating the existence of mothman. At nearly the same moment the kettle whistled his messenger sounded. He flicked to the messenger while he poured water over the noodles, covering the mug and trying to calm the anxious roll his stomach did at the little green dot next to Hux’s name.

>   
>  **Hux** : Morning, Kylo.  
>  **Kylo** : mornin’  
>  **Hux** : Distract me, please.  
>  **Hux** : I’m in a lecture and I’m almost absolutely sure a cat walking across a keyboard could produce more coherent notes than this man.  
>  **Kylo** : fuck, that bad?  
>  **Hux** : I think I can feel brain matter leaking out of my ear.  
>  **Kylo** : yum, liquid brain matter  
>  **Kylo** : a little bread on the side? delish  
>  **Hux** : You’re disgusting.  
>  **Hux** : It’s nice.  
>  **Kylo** : thank you  
>  **Hux** : I’m glad you think my melted brains would be “delish”, by the way.  
>  **Kylo** : i mean, i think most parts of you would be good  
>  **Hux** : I haven’t tasted enough of myself to confirm nor deny.  
>  **Hux** : Have you ever actually tasted brains?  
>  **Kylo** : no, ew?  
>  **Hux** : Not “ew” necessarily, porky, textured a bit like scrambled eggs.  
>  **Kylo** : love this serial killer side of you  
>  **Kylo** : and how much of yourself have you tasted?  
>  **Hux** : Knowing what brain tastes like makes me a serial killer?  
>  **Hux** : I would have at least thought my interest in anatomy, medical knowledge, and predatory yet handsome looks would be the tipping points.  
>  **Kylo** : “predatory yet handsome looks” christ  
>  **Kylo** : and you didn’t answer the question  
>  **Hux** : I’m handsome, I can own that.  
>  **Hux** : Is that your way of asking if I’ve tasted my own cum?  
>  **Hux** : Or am I reading this terribly wrong?  
>  **Kylo** : that’s not exactly what i meant, but you can answer that  
>  **Hux** : My lawyer has advised I don’t answer that.  
>  **Kylo** : i’ll take that as a yes  
>  **Hux** : I can neither confirm nor deny that assumption.  
>  **Kylo** : please fuck off  
>  **Hux** : Send me something.  
>  **Kylo** : ??  
>  **Hux** : A photo, entertain me.  
>  **Kylo** : i’m not sending you a dick pic while youre in class  
>  **Hux** : I figured you were more the ‘meme’ type…  
> 

Ben blushed despite himself, he was in awe at how easy it was to talk to Hux, he hadn’t clicked with someone so immediately since he met Aries. He set his phone down for a moment to retrieve the still whistling kettle, he poured its contents over his noodles and set them aside, both eager and afraid to respond to Hux. He scrolled through his photos for a moment before settling on a picture he had made Rey take of him, he was squatting next to a curb with the house number ‘420’ painted on it, his sunglasses slightly askew and throwing up a peace sign. He remembered the day it had been taken, Rey had asked him to take her to McDonald’s and had promised she could walk the whole way, she’d ended up falling asleep clinging to his back on the way home (only after dripping ice cream into his hair and the hood of his sweatshirt), he smiled at the memory before sending the photo to Hux. 

  


>   
>  **Hux** : Jesus, that’s awful.  
>  **Kylo** : it was taken by a child  
>  **Hux** : I don’t think the photographer was the problem.  
>  **Hux** : Are you literally wearing an Alkaline Trio shirt there?  
>  **Kylo** : leave me alone, i was young  
>  **Hux** : There’s no way this photo is more than a year old.  
>  **Kylo** : i’ve matured  
>  **Hux** : You’re probably wearing the same shirt right now.  
>  **Kylo** : i fucking hate you  
>  **Hux** : So how’s the 8th grade? Pretty good? You got any new hairs you want to talk about?  
>  **Kylo** : I HATE YOU  
> 

The conversation continued rapid fire for several more minutes even as Ben shoveled noodles into his mouth and paced around the house, attempting to vent some of the nervous energy that interacting with Hux produced.

>   
>  **Hux** : I’m about to step into a lecture that will actually require a modicum of brain function.  
>  **Hux** : I’ll talk to you later.  
>  **Hux** : I’d like to talk to you later.  
>  **Kylo** : i’d like it too  
>  **Kylo** : later  
> 

Ben closed out of the chat, resisting the desire to reread Hux’s words over and over again. He instead plugged his phone in to charge and pulled his hair back, intent on actually using the day productively. 

 

-

  


Several hours later Ben had managed to complete the majority of his chores, through the power of instant coffee, two, admittedly oversized, bowls, and the collected discography of Green Day. He sat on his bedroom floor, twiddling with the stupid little Ikea wrench that had taken him an hour and a half to find and about, 2 minutes to effectively make useless again, considering it only fit into two bolts in his entire place. He tossed it aside after a moment, though his hands were still shaky and seeing stimulus after the hours of focused activity, he pulled himself off the floor and went in search of his phone. It sat in the same spot he’d left it, plugged in to charge and screen facing down so he wouldn’t be tempted to check it while he was working. He pulled the charger out and flopped down onto the ground, pillowing his head on the edge of the sofa and unlocking the device and swiping through the accumulated useless notifications of the day and anxiously opening his IM.

>   
>  **2 unread messages** from **Hux**  
>  **Hux** : I’m going to purposely deafen myself.  
>  **Hux** : I’m only exaggerating very slightly.  
>  **Kylo** : ???  
>  **Hux** : Do you have roommates, Kylo?  
>  **Kylo** : no  
>  **Hux** : Consider yourself incredibly lucky.  
>  **Hux** : My roommate and her girlfriend are either engaged in mortal combat or having the most unnecessarily loud sex I’ve ever had to hear.  
>  **Kylo** : is that jealousy i sense?  
>  **Hux** : Absolutely not.  
>  **Kylo** : headphones? earmuffs?  
>  **Hux** : Apparently moans of pleasure are outside the blocking range of silencing headphones.  
>  **Kylo** : beat ‘em at their own game?  
>  **Hux** : I can’t possibly wank that loudly.  
>  **Kylo** : i mean with someone else, but that’s good to know  
>  **Hux** : Ha, sure, I’ll bring some clean cut frat boy home and just go to town.  
>  **Hux** : That was sarcasm.  
>  **Hux** : Nobody on this campus is itching to get into my bed.  
>  **Kylo** : outside of campus  
>  **Hux** : Are you offering?  
>  **Kylo** : it depends  
>  **Hux** : On?  
>  **Kylo** : if you’d accept  
>  **Hux** : How could I refuse?  
> 

Ben nearly choked when he read the message, the weight of what he had just suggested sinking in just as his phone chimed again, this time with the incoming text message sound. “Mommy” flashed in the notification bar and he sighed before opening the message; a request, technically more of a command, that he come over for dinner tomorrow. He groaned and typed back a curt “sure”.


	8. Bang Bang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an update! featuring skywalker/solo family drama.

Rey answered the door when Ben arrived, he’d combed his hair away from his face and finished it with gel, shaved, and found a clean shirt before throwing a well worn leather jacket over the whole thing. When she pulled open the door, his cousin gave him a slightly puzzled look before her face broke into a smile and she wrapped herself around his legs, he lifted her easily, carrying her with him through the sitting room and into the kitchen. “Aunt Leia’s making enchiladas,” she told him excitedly as they walked, “She said it’s her mama’s recipe.” Rey nodded solemnly as she finished, neither of them had ever met his mother’s adoptive parents, they’d died when his mom was a teenager but she’d spoke of them often and fondly enough that Ben felt a bit like he knew them. She never spoke nearly as kindly about her birth parents, a father who’d left her and Luke as toddlers with Ben’s great uncle and namesake, and had only resurfaced once his children were grown, and a mother she never got to meet. His grandfather had told Ben stories of his wife, he spoke of her with a reverence and passion that made Ben ache to know her. He wondered sometimes if Padme and Anakin had gotten the chance to raise his mother if she’d be kinder, if she’d understand him, it admittedly hurt a bit to think about.

Poe was sitting at the breakfast bar when he entered the kitchen, he and Leia were chatting, Spanish flowing easily from both of them as Ben grimaced. His mother had never taught him to speak it, not that he would have been able to learn even if she’d offered, he was too easily distracted as a child and not even English had come easily to him. He could always catch a few words, picked up from her or 3 years of required high school Spanish, but he was nowhere near fluent. Something about seeing Poe and his mother this way annoyed him more than anything else Poe had done. He set Rey down on the edge of the counter, leaning against the pantry, keeping his distance from Poe’s warm, welcoming face. “What’s up, orejas?” Poe greeted with a grin. Leia giggled and Ben suppressed shooting her a murderous glare, a hand instinctively rising to tug at his ear with a scowl. “I didn’t know you’d be here, Dameron,” Ben tucked his hands into his pockets, “Don’t you have anyone besides my parents to hang out with?” Poe only laughed in response, his ability to act like he and Ben were friends was infuriating. “Oh, Ben, don’t be rude, we love having Poe around. Don’t we, Rey?” Rey looked up from where she was shoveling onion dip sodden chips into her mouth, “I like his dog,” she commented through a mouthful, some dribbling down her chin, “And he’s _nice_?” she added when Leia gave her a _look_.

Ben leant more heavily against the cabinet, the door creaking under his weight, his fists closed tight at his sides to stop him from pulling his hair, since his mother always chastised him for it. “Stop slouching like that,” Leia commented as she passed him, rooting around in the refrigerator to his left. He stood up straighter, grumbling in response as Leia clicked her tongue and commented something to Poe in Spanish. Even if Ben couldn't understand it, he was sure it was about him. He grit his teeth, catching a few stray words as they slid quickly back into conversation. Ben was on edge, something about being in his parents home brought a thick wave of anxiety and tension over him, and he found himself angrier by the second. Why was Poe in his mother's kitchen, chatting about his abuela’s recipe, like he belonged, like Ben was the outsider who was ruining an otherwise perfect family evening?

Han and Uncle Chewie came in from the yard after a moment, Han passed Ben with a nudge before digging a chip into dip and dropping heavily into the chair next to Poe. Uncle Chewie gave Ben a put upon look, signing a barrage of complaints about Han after a quick wave, _I’m going to knock some sense into that man, I've told him 100 times it's the fucking transmission_. Ben grinned, tension melting slightly, and signed back, his fingers quick and sure, especially when shit talking his father and his incompetence. _Maybe that'd get that pickled old brain working again_ , Ben answered and his uncle let out a rough garbled laugh before answering, _Again? Hasn't worked as long as I've known him!_ Ben smiled, even as his uncle engulfed him in a hug that shoved him face first into his beard, he pulled back and tugged at Ben's earlobe with two fingers, a mimicry of the sign they'd come up with for his name. His uncle gave him a hearty pat before dropping down into the last chair at the bar, leaving Ben to stand almost awkwardly at the edge of the room. Despite the slight comfort Uncle Chewie had provided, Ben still found himself on edge, he could feel anger blooming in his chest even as he fought to keep it at bay. He hated the way his mother kept nitpicking and commenting on everything he did, hated the way she spoke about him to Poe as if he were her peer, her friend, rather than just some kid Han was training, and he hated the way even Rey seemed enamored with his apparent replacement.

Ben tried to stay engaged with the conversation, tried to stand up straight and keep his hands still and look at his mother in the eyes, but he couldn't and the bubble of anger in his throat rose higher still. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, he wasn't supposed to come home to find that someone else had settled comfortably in the spot he left, they weren't supposed to seem happier without him around. Something akin to fear, past annoyance and closer to panic joined his anger and he could hardly hear passed its pounding in his head. He wanted to leave, to go home and not come back until after his father and Poe were on a trip or maybe never again, he couldn't decide. He found his hand wrapped in the hair behind his left ear only when his mother batted it away, “Don't muss your hair, Ben, it looks like you actually combed it today,” she commented with a smile that looked wrong to Ben. “It looks nice, you did it like Poe!” Rey added, swishing her hand about her face in a pantomime of the way Dameron gelled his hair. “No I didn't,” he grit out, pulling his hand free with difficulty and shoving it deep into his jacket pocket. “Uh huh,” Rey insisted, pointing between them, “You wore a jacket like him too, just uglier,” Ben ground his teeth, anger flaring, to stop himself from shouting at Rey. “There's nothing wrong with wanting to look like Poe,” Leia laughed warmly, “He's a handsome one.” Poe grinned, and pat her hand affectionately and Ben saw red. “I don't fucking want to look like him! He looks like...like an asshole!” Ben exploded, his hands flying from his pockets, he just narrowly stopped himself from swinging at Poe, instead grabbing onto his own hair with a grunt.

“Why are you acting like this Ben?” His fist flew forward before he even knew what was happening, connecting with the drywall with a dull thud and kicking up dust. He yanked it back, his knuckles split and bloody in places, the dust from the hole settling into the wounds with a sharp sting. “Acting like what? Like myself? Not like fucking Poe?” Poe winced at the way Ben spat his name, stepping backward, away from the building altercation he had suddenly become the center of. Leia stepped closer to her son, putting her hands out in front of her as if he were liable to hit her, he scoffed at her posture, he’d never hit her and he wasn’t going to start now, he wasn’t a coward, he had 2 feet and at least 100 lbs on her. “Stop it, I don’t want you to be him, I just want you to be my son Ben, the one I raised,” Leia pleaded, her eyes filled with a fear that struck Ben to his core, his anger bubbling over even more. She stared at him like he was a wild animal liable to lunge at her at any moment, for the first time he saw no love in her face, only resentment, fear, the slight edges of calculating resolution. He fucking hated it, hated being treated like some grenade liable to go off while she stared him down and tried to decide what line of action would cause the least damage to her troops.

“I get it! It’s perfectly fucking clear, I’m not the son you wanted, _he_ is, you don’t need to fucking tell me twice! Just abandon me and be done with it like you did to grandpa!” Ben shouted, he could feel tears spring to the corners of his eyes, and twisted the hand in his hair, hard, to stop them, to focus his attention. Leia stared at him, eyes wide in the face of him, his face blotchy, bright red, “Ben, you know that’s notー” She began but Ben cut her off, pulling his hand from his hair, and throwing them forward, strands coming free with a sharp shock of pain he didn’t even register, “Bullshit, that’s exactly what happened! I’m sick of apologizing for not being your ideal, perfect son. Fuck you, and fuck you too, _Dameron_ ,” Ben finished, his voice raw from shouting. He was out the door before anyone had a chance to stop him, he hardly caught his father’s voice before he was off, “ーBen! And don’t come back unleー” he pedalled down the street as fast as his legs would take him, the wind in his ears drowning out any other words.

Halfway home he stopped at a light, and pulled out his incessantly buzzing phone. He had missed calls from his mother, and texts from his father and Poe, all of which he deleted without reading. The last notification was an IM from Hux which he opened with his breath held, his eyes still blurred slightly from tears and the bright of the screen. The message was an address, just a few miles away, followed simply by the words “Come over?”, timestamped only 10 minutes before. He typed back a quick “omw” and shoved his phone back into his pocket, his heart now racing from more than just anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarification: chewie is not deaf, he signs due to problems with speaking (this is based off of wookiee's canon inability to speak basic due to throat shape)
> 
> also, leia speaks spanish/is latin@ because of her adoptive parents, played by rebecca jackson mendoza and jimmy smits in the films, who are both latin@, if that was confusing!


	9. Close to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while hasn't it, oops
> 
> anyway, i cut this chapter because it was getting.....long, so hopefully the end isn't too jarring? chapter 10 will pick up immediately after the events of 9
> 
> oh! and phasma is in this chapter for like 2 seconds! finally

When Hux opened the door to his apartment Ben was taken aback, he’d been striking even in photos but in person his presence was almost fear inducing. His eyes were bright but cold and assessing, and he looked at Ben like a predator at prey, like he was waiting for a moment to strike. He stood in the doorway quietly for a moment, his eyes on Ben, raking up and down his body. Ben did the same, though he tried to be less obvious. Hux was tall, not as tall as he was but very close, though he had a slim waist and narrow shoulders. His hair seemed even brighter orange in person, and was as perfectly groomed as it had been in his pictures. He wore only joggers emblazoned with his school’s logo and an undershirt, but he stood as confidently as if he were wearing a three piece suit, his posture straight and stiff and his arms crossed over his chest.

“Come on then,” Hux said, stepping back from the door further into the apartment and motioning for Ben to follow. He had a slight British accent, something high class and proper sounding, at least to Ben’s ear. Inside, the apartment was simply decorated, though much different than what Ben had expected. Hanging on the wall next to the door was a sign that read “A bad day can be made better by going to the gym”. Hux caught Ben staring at it, and the basket of sneakers below it, “Roommate,” he said simply, waving his hand dismissively. The television was on in the living room, what sounded like a hockey game loudly filling the open space past the foyer. Two girls were curled together on the couch, hardly watching the game, but rather mumbling into each other’s ears and laughing. Hux walked by them without engaging, and Ben tried to do the same, flinching when one shot up into a sitting position, her eyes fixed on him.

The girl was tall even sitting and thick with muscle, with short, undercut blond hair and deep blue eyes she fixed intently on Ben. She watched him for a beat, before her mouth spread into a sharp smile, “You’re not going to introduce us, Armie?” She asked, her voice hiding something Ben couldn’t decipher. The other girl rose to sit up then as well, looking both bored and irritated by the whole situation. She was significantly smaller than the blond, with long deep red hair, dark eyes, and an almost excessive spattering of freckles across her cheeks. “Kylo, this is Phasma, my roommate, and her girlfriend, Alina,” Hux sped through the sentence, grabbing Ben by the faux hood stitched into the collar of his jacket and tugging him away from the girls. Phasma simply waved Ben off with the same sharp smile, though Alina eyed him with a dark look, her lips curling momentarily into something that wasn’t quite a smile before she cuddled back into her girlfriend’s arms. 

“What...uh, what’s the deal with them?” Ben asked quietly once Hux had pulled him through the doorway of a bedroom and shut the door. “What do you mean? They’re annoying and they’re lesbians, that’s their deal,” he answered curtly, “I swear, if I hadn’t been there I’d think Alina didn’t even have her own place,” he added in a mutter, crossing the room and tapping at the mp3 player docked on his desk. The dissonant sound of some vaguely punk song began as Hux turned back towards Ben, once again raking his eyes over him hungrily. “You’re taller than I expected,” Hux commented offhandedly and Ben felt himself flushing under his gaze. Hux didn’t look away even when Ben did, simply stepping closer and placing a hand under his chin, the thumb stroking over his jawline. Ben wilted slightly under the touch, overwhelmed by the sensation. Ben felt as though the points of contact from Hux’s fingertips were electrified, and his heart pounded in his chest as Hux leaned forward, brushing lips over the corner of Ben’s mouth. Hux made a low sound of approval as he pulled back, looking satisfied at whatever conclusion he had come to. 

He reached for Ben wordlessly, fingering the edge of his jacket’s zipper before slowly and pushing the garment onto the floor. Ben shivered, Hux’s room wasn’t cold, but he felt naked, standing before him in only a threadbare black tshirt and jeans. He stamped down the anxiety that rose from his gut and flexed the fingers of his wounded hand as Hux’s eyes roamed him once again, he looked down at his shirt, flushing when he realized the stupid band logo was what he was currently focused on. “This was a gift, I’m not really into...” Ben mumbled. Hux looked at him confusedly for a moment, “Oh,” he answered, reaching a hand forward and running it over the faded design, “I’m not interested in that,” he finished, his voice surprisingly rough. Hux stood back and swallowed before speaking again, his voice more even than before, “Would you take it off?” Ben complied quickly, clumsy fingers fisting into the collar of his shirt and yanking it over his head. 

If he’d been uncomfortable without his jacket, it was nothing compared to how he felt without his shirt. He was utterly, intimately aware of exactly what he looked like, too big and broad, a chest and shoulders much too wide for his waist, sparse chest hair leading to a thick, dark thatch just below his bellybutton, a spattering of awkward moles and freckles all across his almost sickly pale skin. Hux stepped toward him again, his fingers landing lighting on his chest, tracing over his collarbones and then his sternum, “Exquisite,” he said quietly, and Ben flushed deeper, shrinking under Hux’s touch. His fingers continued their slow journey over his chest, with the lightest pressure, just enough to send chills down Ben’s spine. He opened his eyes, not having realized he had closed them, and looked down at Hux, who’s mouth was moving, whispering seemingly to himself as he touched him. “Hmm?” Ben asked dazedly, suddenly very worried that Hux had been speaking to him and he hadn’t even been listening. Hux looked up from Ben’s chest, as though he too had been lost in the sensation, “Muscular structures,” he stated simply after a beat, placing his first two fingers on the edge of Ben’s clavicle and pressing lightly, “Wonderfully prominent here,” he finished, brushing a hand over Ben’s pectoral, though his voice was low again, as if he was speaking only to himself. 

Hux dropped his hands from Ben’s chest suddenly, and Ben found himself missing the sensation momentarily, but then Hux’s fingers were at the waistband of his jeans and he lost a majority of his rational thought. Hux tucked the first two fingers of both hands into the waistband, looking up and into Ben’s eyes before continuing, Ben nodded his head almost violently. Hux popped the button and pulled the zipper down methodically slow, before hooking his fingers into the belt loops and dragging the trousers down Ben’s legs to pool at the floor around him. Ben was embarrassingly hard already, tight boxer briefs stretched and his thighs tense and nearly shaking. Hux cupped Ben briefly, almost clinical in his touch, testing, as if he were measuring him, before pulling back and turning them, his hand on Ben’s bicep leading him like a well trained dog. 

Ben let himself be pushed onto the bed, and complied quickly when Hux motioned for him to lie back, his head elevated comfortably on a mound of overly soft pillows. He had to look away from Hux when he turned around, pulling his own shirt off and digging around in his dresser for something Ben couldn’t see. Ben tried to focus on anything other than the anticipatory anxiety shaking through him and the wet spot quickly blooming on the front of his shorts. He made himself run a hand over Hux’s sheets, they were black and soft, significantly softer than anything Ben had ever bothered with, and a turned down charcoal colored comforter rested near his feet. He tried to form coherent enough thoughts to create an emotional progress report, but he was literally unable to untangle the jumble of emotions flooding his brain, the task more stress inducing than calming, like it usually was, in his current state. Hux turned back after a moment, and sat down at the foot of the bed, pushing Ben’s legs apart to settle between them. Ben sucked in a harsh breath as Hux ran his hands over his legs, stopping at his thighs to rub gentle circles into the flesh. Ben felt goosebumps raise on his skin and hardly contained the shudder that passed over him at the sight of Hux between his legs. Hux’s hands moved after a moment, one coming to rest on Ben’s hip and the other stroking over his chest, brushing over a nipple and then back down. 

“Oh, do you want something for this?” Hux asked suddenly, pulling Ben’s hand from where it had twisted into the sheets. He held Ben’s hand gently in both of his, his thumbs stroking gently over the angry red skin around the slowly scabbing splits in his knuckles. “No, it’s fine, I just...hit it,” He mumbled back, his voice thick. Hux pushed one thumb against Ben harder, scraping the dried blood away with his fingernail and opening a wound anew. Ben flinched at the treatment but lie still regardless, watching the way Hux’s hands moved over him, long thin fingers and pale blue veins. A rivulet of blood dribbled from the reopened wound down the back of Ben’s hand, Hux watched it closely the whole way, his mouth slightly open and his tongue darting out to wet dry lips. “Can I?” He asked quietly, nodding at Ben’s hand, Ben nodded back, unsure of exactly what Hux was asking for but willing to let him do anything if it would keep his hands on him. Hux leaned his head forward, and drew his tongue over the back of Ben’s hand, cleaning up the dripping blood before pushing the tip of it against the wound itself. He worked his tongue over it, digging into it and sucking at the skin. It stung and part of Ben wanted to pull his hand away, but he couldn’t make himself move, not with the way Hux’s eyes darkened as he licked. Hux lifted his head after a moment, a deep blush high on his cheeks, his mouth bright and shining with spit, a small smear of blood on his chin, and Ben felt his stomach lurch at how beautiful he looked. 

Hux laced his fingers with the ones on Ben’s injured hand as he crawled over him, pressing kisses to Ben’s cheeks and chin before kissing him in earnest. His free hand came up to lace in Ben’s hair, tilting his head gently to correct the movements of his mouth. After only seconds Hux pressed his tongue into Ben’s mouth, he still tasted of blood, but also of spearmint and the faint hint of cigarette smoke and it sent Ben’s head spinning. Far too quickly, Hux pulled away, drawing his hand from Ben’s hair to fit between them, and giving his still clothed cock a gentle squeeze. Ben’s free hand found his hair, twisting hard in a vain attempt to stop himself from whining and thrusting up against Hux’s hand. Hux didn’t seem to mind though, continuously stroking his cupped hand over Ben’s cock despite the stuttering, stifled movements of his hips. Hux muttered something before pulling himself up onto his knees between Ben’s splayed legs. Ben sucked in a harsh breath that made his throat go tight at the image of Hux, pale skinned, perfectly sculpted as if carved from marble Hux, between his legs, his kiss bruised lips curled into a wicked little smile. 

Ben lifted his hips eagerly when Hux slid his fingers under the waistband of his underwear, he pulled them down more slowly than necessary, pulling the fabric tighter around Ben’s almost painfully hard cock before it slid free, bobbing slightly, the tip hitting his belly with a wet slap. Hux pulled the garment the rest of the way off quickly, tossing it to the floor out of Ben’s line of sight. Ben shivered, Hux was still clad in sweats, though the bulge at the front of them made it clear he was wearing nothing underneath them, and he felt incredibly naked by comparison, probably due to the fact that he was naked. He coughed awkwardly, and he felt his face go even hotter, it struck him suddenly that Hux was the first person to ever see him fully naked, at least in a sexual context. He swallowed hard, hoping that he made at least a somewhat attractive picture and that Hux wasn’t regretting the entire thing. Any more coherent thoughts of anxiety or fear flew from Ben’s mind, though, when Hux’s bare hand wrapped around his cock. Ben shut his eyes tightly, the fingers in his hair twisting impossibly harder and his back involuntarily arching into Hux’s painfully gentle grip as a sound that he’d surely be embarrassed of later spilled from his mouth. 

Above him, Hux chuckled lightly, tightening his grip ever so slightly and stroking Ben slowly from root to tip a handful of times before stilling completely. Ben whined out loud, biting his lip to stop it far too late and flushing harder at it, his eyes opening a fraction to watch Hux’s movements. He was shifting so he could lean over Ben, his lips coming to rest on Ben’s stomach, just over the spot of quickly dried precum his cock had left. Hux drug his tongue over it before bringing his lips to the tip of Ben’s cock, Ben had to shut his eyes again then as Hux took him into his mouth. Hux sucked at just the head, his tongue swirling torturously as his hand moved again, dragging the spit dripping from his mouth down Ben’s cock to slick the way. Hux pulled off much too quickly and Ben whined high and loud at the loss of sensation and the rush of cold air on the sensitive skin. “Hey, I’m gonnaーuh, can I finger you?” Hux asked, his hand still moving slowly over Ben’s cock. Ben choked on his next breath, “What?” He managed after a moment, trying to focus on anything passed the feeling of Hux’s hands on him. “You know, like...” Hux started to make a gesture with two fingers but stopped quickly, face flushing before he patted the side of Ben’s ass, “It feels good, um, _quite_ good. I can make myself cum like that, without, you know,” Hux made a half hearted jerk off motion, and looked slightly annoyed at having to explain it to Ben. 

If he wasn’t already red from ears to chest, Ben would have blushed, the weight of his inexperience suddenly crushing him. “Oh, yeah,” Ben said, as if he’d ever considered sticking his own fingers in his ass, “Okay.” He nodded and Hux leaned over him, kissing him quick and sloppy before kneeling back between his legs, his hand once again wrapping around Ben’s cock while the other retrieved something from his pocket. Ben realized after a moment that it was lubricant and felt his stomach tense, fear and anticipation making his already foggy head spin. He knew of course that some people liked things in their ass, but it had never much interested him, nothing sexual ever really had, _except_ Hux, he wasn't sure what that said about him. “Hey, you know,” Hux started, his tone too casual, Ben could tell he was trying to calm some of the obvious tension in the air and he appreciated it. He forced himself to breathe out, long and even as Hux continued, “you never told me you were so... _big_.” He punctuated his statement with a firm squeeze that made Ben’s cock twitch in his hand. “I,” Ben croaked, before stopping to clear his throat, “I didn’t know I was,” he finished, his face burning and scalp tingling with how hard he was tugging his hair. Hux laughed, stroking Ben’s cock a handful of times before removing his hands entirely to open the lube. “Well, you are. Like porn star big,” he nodded, nudging Ben’s knees further apart and liberally spreading lube onto his second finger. Ben didn’t respond, he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing coming from Hux, he thought maybe he was too big, that Hux was only telling him because he thought there was something wrong with him. 

Ben watched, eyes wide, and bottom lip clenched tightly between his teeth, as Hux prepped his fingers. He gasped when Hux touched him, a slick finger sliding over the spot just under his balls before pressing against him and dragging downwards. “Calm down or it’ll hurt,” Hux all but whispered, his eyes fixed on Ben with an almost unnerving focus. Ben nodded slightly and dropped his head back onto the pillow, evening his breaths and trying desperately to remember how his old therapist had taught him to release tension from his body. Hux gripped his cock again before pushing his finger more firmly against his hole, Ben breathed out hard as Hux leaned over him to take the head of his cock back into his mouth, sucking more insistently and wriggling his finger against him until it slipped inside. Ben felt himself tighten immediately, clenching around the admittedly minute intrusion momentarily before he forced himself to relax, it was easier than he had expected, especially with the nearly overwhelming sensation of Hux’s mouth on him, hot and wet and absolutely glorious. 

The first telltale sign of his orgasm came upon him rather abruptly, in the same moment he chanced a glance downward, Hux took his cock further into his mouth, the way his lips stretched around Ben’s cock, the drool dripping down his chin, it was almost too much for him to bear. “Fuck, you gottaー,” Ben’s voice broke with a moan and he dug his hand into Hux’s hair to pull him off his cock, “Gotta stop _that_ or I’m gonna cum.” Hux grinned at him, wriggling the finger Ben hadn’t even realized was two knuckles deep in him. “Can’t have that, can we?” His voice had changed, deeper and rougher, as if the polished tone from before had all been an act. Ben flexed the fingers in his own hair in an attempt to collect himself, his mind was racing and he wanted to focus on the feeling of Hux’s finger inside him, his brain felt sluggish and his words came slightly slurred even to his own ear, “It’s too soon.” Hux laughed, a dark almost cruel sound that made Ben’s cock ache, he wanted to hear it again, wanted to hear Hux be crueler. He didn’t answer, and instead dropped his head again as if to take Ben back into his mouth. He didn’t though, instead his mouth settled over Ben’s left hip, his tongue darting out to lick and suck before his teeth came down against the thin skin, hard and suddenly. Ben yelped, his hips shifting slightly, Hux’s free hand pressed firmly against the right one keeping him from squirming away, his cock pulsing wetly at the sensation.

Ben was sure Hux’s teeth had broken the skin, but he didn’t get a chance to check, Hux’s mouth stayed sealed over the skin, suckling hard and sloppy. The pain of it had brought the room back into sharp focus, though if Hux’s intent had been to delay Ben’s orgasm, the opposite effect had been achieved. Ben felt a sick curl of shame deep in his gut at the fact that being hurt had felt so _good_ , he was absolutely sure that that made him some kind of deviant, he couldn’t actually focus on a single thought well enough to unpack his feelings about it though, not with Hux’s finger inside him and his mouth on him. Hux lifted his head after a moment longer, and Ben could see the beginnings of a bruise already blooming around the blood smeared indents his teeth had left. Hux leaned down to drag his tongue over the bruise once more before moving to the other side and doing the same, this time only omitting the skin breaking bite. His finger was still moving so gently and slowly that Ben could almost ignore it, except for when he curled it and it came dangerously close to _something_ he couldn’t entirely describe the feeling of. 

Ben was close, despite the fact that Hux had stopped touching his cock completely, he was about to open his mouth to warn him when Hux reached forward, gripping the base of Ben’s cock painfully tight. “Don’t cum yet.” Ben squeezed his eyes shut, tugging his hair and nodding his head jerkily. “Say it outloud, answer me,” Hux demanded, his voice rough and almost desperate sounding. “Yes, I, I won’t,” Ben choked out the words, his throat thick and his nose dripping from tears he hadn’t even realized he’d shed. “Not until I say,” Hux added as he pushed a second finger into Ben. Ben winced, felt himself tighten around Hux before his fingers were curling and finding the spot he’d been dancing around and rubbing firmly, all teasing abandoned. Ben saw stars for a moment before they cleared, he was so close it hurt, and he was sure he would have cum already if it wasn’t for Hux’s fingers wrapped tightly around him. 

Hux moaned rather suddenly and Ben looked down at him, shocked by the rawness of the sound. He realized that Hux was all but humping the bed below him, with both his hands occupied with Ben he had little other choice. “I’m going to let go, okay? But just, don’t finish yet,” Hux said through a tense jaw. Ben nodded, then corrected outloud, “I won’t...I’ll try.” He wasn’t sure if he could keep his word, though he was determined to try, anything that would please Hux. Hux let go slowly and Ben was nearly overwhelmed with the need to cum, he held off though, thinking of anything other than the almost desperate edge his arousal had taken on. Hux was over him in a second, his sweats pulled down around his thighs and his own cock in his hand, the other still two fingers deep and moving torturously inside Ben. Hux tucked his face against Ben’s neck, his fingers still moving and the hand around his cock opening to squeeze Ben’s against his. 

Ben groaned, the sensation of Hux’s fingers tight around him, Hux’s cock slick against his own, his breath hot on his neck, was so much all at once. “Fuck, Kylo, it feels so good to be _inside_ you...can’t wait to get my cock in you, want to fuck you deep,” Hux panted against his neck, his hand moving faster and fingers sliding deeper still. “So fucking _deep_ , want toー _fuck_ ーjust cut you open, crawl inside. You’d let me too, fucking crawl inside you, under your ribs right against your heart.” Hux’s voice cracked as he spoke, his words interrupted by pants and whining moans. Ben was so close it physically hurt to hold back, Hux’s words ran through him, pooling hot and heavy in his gut, his heart speeding impossibly faster at the thought of Hux’s face tucked up against it, his tongue and lips wet with his blood once again. “Hー _Hux_ can’t,” Ben stopped, a sob breaking through before he could speak again. “Shh, stop crying, _fuck_ , it’s okay just cum. Cum for me, Kylo,” Hux answered, his voice and hands suddenly fast and rough. Ben let go immediately, his body shaking and back bowing as he came with a ragged shout. 

Hux kept his hand around both their cocks as he stroked himself to completion, his breath heavy and wet against Ben’s neck as he shuddered through it. Somewhere along the line he’d slipped his fingers free from Ben and the feeling was almost distressingly empty. Hux rolled over, and dropped heavily onto his stomach on the bed next to Ben. His sweats were still bunched around his thighs, his ass flushed pink and freckled and Ben made sure to file that very important information, regarding freckles, away for later. Both their cum was quickly cooling on Ben’s stomach and chest, and he wasn’t sure, and didn’t feel like he could lift his hand to check, but it felt as though it was on his face as well. Despite the fact that he was far too high strung to possibly fall asleep any time in the next 24 hours, he let his eyes slip shut anyway and tried to listen to Hux’s heavy breathing next to him past the dull roar in his head.


End file.
